So... how are you?

The three words I dread to hear.
You mean apart from wanting to cease to exist? I suppose I'm fine.
Except for battling with my crippling mental health goes something like this...

I’m numb to everything but my anxiety and depression, that make me an imposter of who I think am. 

Awoken by my raised pulse, anxiety bludgeons my stomach each and every morning. Forcibly removing me from the sweet release of sleep. 

In my uncomfortable haze of realising I'm still alive, my eyes are pricked with tears. I can't help but weep at the thought of another day I must endure a painfully exhausting existence. And anticipate that every waking moment will be one of dread and despair.

I feel as though I'm sinking slowly. And if you dared look into my eyes I'd bring you down with me too.

I'm beginning to realise it hurts to exist. In every possible way imaginable. From the very crown of my head to the soles of my feet.

This is now life as I know it and I don’t remember what it means to be happy. Was it ever real? All I do is lament the happiness I know no more. And turn the pain into 'art', in the hope that it at least counts for something. 

That all this suffering isn’t for nothing.

the reading of my poem aloud, spoken word

^ A spoken word poem about mental health and how it feels to live with depression and anxiety. If you feel like you're struggling with your mental health please talk to someone and refer to the links provided below. Hope you can understand why I've been away for a while.

16 Little Things You Can Do For Someone With Anxiety

http://www.buzzfeed.com/florapaul/16-little-things-you-can-do-for-someone-with-anxiety?bffbdiy&utm_term=.hsyGrYRPx#.tfbR73KOZ

My Blogpost on 'Coping with Anxiety'

⁍  http://www.margaretbelle.co.uk/2016/04/coping-with-anxiety.html 

Mind 

⁍ http://www.mind.org.uk/

Samaritans

⁍ http://www.samaritans.org/

NHS

⁍ http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx

Zoe Sugg's Anxiety Q&A

⁍ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjuk3WMZByo

Zoe Sugg: Dealing with Panic Attacks & Anxiety

⁍ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4

margaret belle

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What I've been up to

Well it's been a long whilst since I've been about over here on the blogosphere, so I thought I'd delve into what I've been up to.

still from my latest video where I update you on my life

For those of you who don't know, I'm a full time second-year-going-on-third-year student, at Norwich University of the Arts studying architecture; so I've been pretty preoccupied and focused on that. It's a rather demanding degree, so it's taken up most of my attention, to the extent that I've often dreamt about the projects I'm working on.

This academic year began with a rocky start that's taken some adjusting to, and come autumn, there were some further adjustments. But I think it's fair to say that I know where I stand, and I think I'm getting to grips with the process from brief to final proposal. I think the second term was probably the most challenging term for me, especially concerning my personal like, and my grades show it. Whilst I managed to maintain a 2:1 all year, I just scraped to scrape one in the second semester. So getting a solid 2:1 and then some in term three really saw shift in work that I'm really quite happy with. I know there's so much more to learn, but it's so great to start getting a hang of things. I'm really looking forward to next year and hopefully doing really well, from the get go.

Apart from uni, which I find to be all consuming, not a lot has gone on since. I would say that I've definitely become more of a recluse, and furled into myself more and more as of late. It's not like I've become shyer exactly, rather developed the tendency to being less of the sociable type. More and more guarded. Which is why I've been slacking on the vlog front; even though I know that I get to control what film and post, I've been apprehensive his sharing any of it, if not any at all. I guess my values have shifted in terms of privacy and what to share online. I've really not been engaging with putting out my own content out there, and I miss it, so I'm going to take a stab at going for it again. 

I think it unwise to make a schedule for blogposts and videos, and rather go with the flow of definitely uploading more regularly, but when and if I want to. Today will have meant that there will have been two consecutive posts from me here on my blog, and the plan is the same with my YouTube channel, but I have got quite a few some jobs on this month; so here's hoping that I can really churn stuff out over the July and August months!

One thing I've really gotten into, as of late, is poetry and just writing in general. I love listening to spoken word + slam poetry as well as jotting down things that pop into my head. I'd like to sit down and properly craft some poems, as well as memorise them and perform them on camera. But for now, it's just something cathartic to clear my mind, or help me process things. I'll leave some of my favourites linked below, feel free to check them out;

• smouldered
• position of slumber
• shades of blue
• untitled
• tranquilated
• magnetised
• the kind of girl
• and
• blue blood

Thanks so much for reading.

much love,

Margaret

xx

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a smile

And her eyes stung with the intense will to cry. 

But tears did not fall. Instead they were restrained behind the floodgates of lower lids. 

Precariously poised between oculus and the precipice of no return. 

This dam left crescent shaped pools at a standstill, that gently teased the threshold on the brink of spilling over, struggling for release. 

Pressure built, anticipating release at any given moment. 

Waiting to let go and be set free but never given the chance. 

A sharp breath drawn, poise and posture reset, the bravest face you ever did see and a false smile. 

A smile masking the melancholia, but a smile nonetheless.

margaret belle

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