The three words I dread to hear.
You mean apart from wanting to cease to exist? I suppose I'm fine.
Except for battling with my crippling mental health goes something like this...
I’m numb to everything but my anxiety and depression, that make me an imposter of who I think am.
Awoken by my raised pulse, anxiety bludgeons my stomach each and every morning. Forcibly removing me from the sweet release of sleep.
In my uncomfortable haze of realising I'm still alive, my eyes are pricked with tears. I can't help but weep at the thought of another day I must endure a painfully exhausting existence. And anticipate that every waking moment will be one of dread and despair.
I feel as though I'm sinking slowly. And if you dared look into my eyes I'd bring you down with me too.
I'm beginning to realise it hurts to exist. In every possible way imaginable. From the very crown of my head to the soles of my feet.
This is now life as I know it and I don’t remember what it means to be happy. Was it ever real? All I do is lament the happiness I know no more. And turn the pain into 'art', in the hope that it at least counts for something.
That all this suffering isn’t for nothing.
the reading of my poem aloud, spoken word
^ A spoken word poem about mental health and how it feels to live with depression and anxiety. If you feel like you're struggling with your mental health please talk to someone and refer to the links provided below. Hope you can understand why I've been away for a while.
16 Little Things You Can Do For Someone With Anxiety
The one where I ramble on about some things I've picked up over the past few weeks. The shops/companies include Zoeva Cosemtics, Beauty Bay, w7, Zara, Rifle Paper Co., Papermash, Topshop, Nike, Mango & Get the Glow. Oh and do expect a cheeky blooper at the end!
And if you would like to see more of my videos don't forget to subscribe!
The one where I give you my top five tips for applying to university. This is a part of my education series and I've already uploaded advice for surviving A levels so check that out and keep your eyes peeled for my university interview advice video - COMING SOON!
And if you would like to see more of my videos don't forget to subscribe!
The one where I take my academic experience from the past two years of sixth form and inform you on how to survive A-Levels with my top ten tips.
MY STORY
I want to be completely transparent with you so let me tell you about my grades. I left year 13 with a B in Art, a B in History and a C in French. At AS, so year twelve, I received and A in English Literature, a B in History and a C in both Art and French. The C in art was a complete shock as throughout the year it was my highest performing subject and I in my latest mock exam I had received an A. As it turns out the entire Art faculty had been moderated 20% lower. Luckily our school got a remark and we got re-moderated 16% so I missed out on my A by 3 UMS points. I decided to take on French, History & Art on into year 13 - much to the concern of my teachers since I had done so well in English Literature ( scoring 92%) and it would have been an easy to get an A in it at A-level. But I decided it against it, since I thought it wouldn't benefit me in anyway. I thought of it as choosing what I wanted to get out of my education even if it didn't get a higher grade. I thought my learning of French would aid me in being employed internationally and in this day and age having a second language that is one of the most spoken languages world was important to me. Despite my AS results I applied into university and got into everywhere I applied, and got into my first choice but that's for another post. I will say that the effort I put into my A-levels hasn't been reflected in my results - but this is the reality of tests that can never truly be a correct measure of your intelligence, understanding or dedication to a subject.
*If you have any questions feel free to hit me up on the comments section below or any of my other links* 1. BE PRESENT
Attending school is incredibly important and I think it's very easy to underestimate this. Unfortunately I got ill during the first term of year 12 and subsequently ended up missing 25% of year 12 and year 13. Your teachers will/should say that there is a direct correlation between your grades and attendance and often this is the case, so attend school and be on time. I know you can email teachers and classmates to get work but being in the class creates an environment where you can feed off other people and enrich your education further. For example others might ask and answer questions in ways that can improve your knowledge of a subject. The classroom is an environment where you can bounce ideas and thoughts about your subject which isn't possible at home tucked up in bed. 2. GET ORGANISED
This is the time to get yourself together. Organisation is the key to success. Get your things in order. Personally I recommend noting everything you need to get done in a diary of some sort. Usually your school will provide a planner of some sort, so make sure you write down when everything is due. I also like having a weekly desk planner whereby I jot down tasks I need to complete in the coming week which helps me keep on top of things. Additionally I recommend getting a large lever arch file for each subject you're taking, with dividers for any subtopics you are/will be studying as well as sections for homework tasks, essays/past papers & coursework. Finally make a time table! It will help out a lot and STICK TO IT! 3. MANAGE YOUR TIME WELL
No more dilly dallying and lounging around when you get home from school. Of course please do make sure you have some downtime when you get back from school, since I know how draining it can be. However it shouldn't last too long since, the sooner you get on with your homework the sooner you can chill be fore bed and sleep! Additionally the more you do during the week the more leisure time you have at the weekend. It's tempting to do nothing on a Friday night. But try to push yourself to complete some work to avoid those late night last minute Sunday night attempts to get stuff done. And remember that time is precious. School at this age is compulsory so make the most of it so you don't waste any of your life re-taking - no shame in that, but do what you can to help yourself now. 4. STUDY NOW, WORK HARD & PARTY LATER, PLAY HARD
Do as much work as you can now as the reward for it is worth the effort. I'm not saying stay a hermit for the year and never socialise, but get the balance right as well as your priorities. Make sure your education comes first, but if you are going to go out, make sure you do the work first. Just think of the summer holiday that lies ahead of you - it's so long and I promise you can catch up on sleep and all the TV could wish for. 5. FIGURE OUT HOW YOU LEARN BEST.
What type of learner are you?
This is incredibly important. Figuring out how you learn best will help you tailor your revision to you. There are three different types of learners; kinaesthetic, auditory and visual, thus I will link a test here once I find a suitable one for you to see how you learn best. Personally I'm quite a mix of all three but more so visual and auditory, so I love making my own revision guides - colour coded and all. Additionally I like making flashcards, and for French I'd listen to recordings of my responses to speaking exam questions as a form of revision. 6. START MAKING REVISION NOTES ASAP
This may sound ridiculous but definitely start ASAP, even if its drafting and keeping it on a word document. Because if you start now you can actually revise when exams are looming instead of making revision notes, as this creates less stress during the exam season. Just keep ahead of the game it's only gonna do you good and let you worry less. So perhaps at the end of each week have a little revision write up session, thus by doing this little by little it doesn't make it mount up all at once become too much. 7. DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP
Please, please, please don't be afraid to ask for help! It's so important to make sure you make the most out of your teachers, they're there to help so make sure you give them the chance to. It's the worst thing to be waiting to go into an exam with questions you should have got the answers to because you were afraid to ask. Your success depends on how your proactivity - so ask questions and pester your teachers its what they're there for.
8. LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
Make sure you do look after yourself. Get enough sleep (preferably before 10pm-6am but definitely before 12am!) eat well and keep active. I'm not saying start juicing, eat kale chips and go to the gym at 5am right now. All I'm saying is that you should be selfish at times and put yourself first. And please make some healthier choices as it's better for you in the long run. Your physical and mental health does impact your performance, so the smarter the choices you make now will have a better pay off. 9. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
It may seem obvious but I'm going to say it anyway. DO AS MANY PAST PAPERS AS POSSIBLE! This will make taking the exam so much easier. Unfortunately exams are all about technique, rather than actual knowledge (they're more concerned with how you apply it - rather than the fact that you've learnt it). So you need to get this down to excel so as soon as you've learnt enough on a topic and there's a past paper on it make sure you have a go and ask your teacher to mark it. Don't be disheartened if your initial grades are disappointing, the jump is from GCSEs to A-level is big. In fact an A* at GCSE is an equivalent to a D at A-level so keep up the perseverance! 10. GO BEYOND THE CLASSROOM/SYLLABUS
Do more outside of the classroom. For future employers and university applications your extra curricular activates show your commitment and dedication to you hobbies and aspirations. Go to talks, workshops and get work experience. Additionally if it's relevant go to exhibitions, document things - perhaps keep a blog or sketchbook to show your personal ambition in your subject of interest. If you want to know more about university application and interview advice I'm planning to do a blogpost and video on it.
Thanks so much for reading, I know it was a long one.
The one where I go on about what I've been loving throughout August, I will be posting this in video form on my channel, you make sure you keep your eyes peeled! This post is a more in depth review of things mentioned. I find that a blogpost version/format of monthly favourites is just a bit easier to refer to and come back to as it's more direct, to the point and is hopefully devoid of rambling.
And if you would like to see more of my videos don't forget to subscribe!
MUSIC
Again just as last month I have put all the music I've been loving into a playlist, check it out here.
The Carnabys ( live covers) | The Wilhelm Scream by James Blake (acoustic) | King of the Rodeo by Kings of Leon (acoustic & electric)
The Carnabys are no doubt on of my all time favourite bands and I'm gutted that I won't get to see them before I set off to uni as they're next gig I during term time (Tuesday September 15th). Click here for tickets. Their cover are always awesome and I'd happily buy at least three albums full of their covers that never disappoint. Jack's voice evokes such emotion that resonates with me, especially in The Wilhelm Scream - which I've had on repeat so much that it's one of the top 5 played songs on my phone! So definitely check them out on Twitter, Facebook & their website.
Alessia Cara - Here | This song 'Here' by Alessia Cara is a perfect representation of how I'd feel at a house party. Don;t get me wrong I'm not anti-social but I'd rather stay at home with my besties and chill than at a party pretending to have a good time. They're not usually my cup of tea. This is a really nicely produced song and I can't get enough!
Submarine soundtrack by Alex Turner | The Arctic Monkeys are also one of my favourite bands and their lead singer Alex Turner did this solo EP for Richard Ayoade's amazing adaptation of the book 'Submarine' into film. Every song on this soundtrack is wonderful and perfect for those 'I don't know what to feel!' moments. It's not the chirpiest of soundtracks but since re-discovering it, I've enjoyed it nonetheless. Alex Turner is a lyrical and musical genius.
ENTERTAINMENT & PASS TIMES
Suits on Amazon Prime. Where do I even begin? I'm obsessed and it's concerning. This TV series has be up at 4am trying to find out what happens next, over and over again. In two and a half days I've managed to get about half way though Season 3. And for me that's a real commitment - I never do that. It has made a couch potato and my mother has not been pleased! I'll link the trailer here for you and see if you'll get sucked in like I did!
Next is Made In Chelsea on E4. I've been watching since Season 1 so i feel like I've committed to 10 series so far - so why not continue? There's not much to tell, maybe it could be classed as a posher version of Towie (if that tickles you fancy?). It's full of drama which is essentially what makes the show and I LOVE how Mark Francis has his own 'sub-show' within the show, he is obviously cut from a different cloth. MIC is really one of my all time shameless guilty pleasures. But I will say that it is shot and edited beautifully, plus the soundtrack is pretty awesome - to the point where I've saved all the playlists from every season on my Spotify. I've managed to rope in my cousin (check out her blog here) into it and now she loves it. I must say that Twitter is great when this is on - so I love live tweeting, favourite-ing & retweet-ing. So make sure you're following me on Twitter.
Gogglebox on Channel 4. Earlier in August stayed over at my cousin's place and hung out for a few days and she introduced me to Googlebox. Her and her mum love it a lot and now so do my brother and I. Still need to introduce it to the rest of the family, but it's actually very entertaining to people watch TV - I naturally do this when I show my friends a film I've watched and their reaction are the best!
The Great British Bake Off on BBC One. This show has never made backing so tense. It just gets my heart rate up and makes baking so tense. Plus the thirst for Tamal is real it's actually hilarious. So again I recommend looking up the hashtag on Twitter when its on (Wednesdays 8-9pm) because everyone gets involved and I sometimes end up crying from laughter.
Partners in Crime on BBC One. This is an eight part series adaptation of Agatha Christies book I think and it stars David Walliams & Jessica Raine and follows this couple who fall into the secret service as amateur spies. This is just my cup of tea. Detective shows are one of my favourites TV genres, so check this out on BBC iPlayer if you can. The Three Day Nanny on Channel 4. Here we have another one of my guilty pleasures - I love nanny shows. My number one nanny show is Supernanny and this show is a close second. Kathryn is an amazing nanny and her approach delivers great results. So I've been taking note and will try and apply them whenever I have to deal with children.
YOUTUBE
SunBeamsJess | Jess from youtube is one of my favourite youtubers of all time. She is so down to earth, stylish, a great youtuber and not to mention very beautiful. The quality of her videos is so good and I love her vlog channel as well - totally binge watched all of her videos. I first stumbled across her 2014 What I Got for Christmas video. You should definatley stop by her channel, I'll link it here. She also features on ICON UK's channel as well so I'll link that here too.
Posh George | George is a youtuber I stumbled across in the comments section of a few of the youtubers I watch and I clicked on his profile and I really like his videos. He's like a male beauty youtuber that does male grooming and stuff. Even though it doesn't always apply to me I love his videos anyway.
Lilly Pebbles | I've loved Lily Pebbles for a while but have recently got into her videos again. She's been vlogging a bit more regularly and ever since her #EverdayMay I've missed the volume of the vlogs on her channel. She also got ENGAGED and I'm so happy for her and Rich even though I don't know them. You can check out that vlog here. Make sure you stop by her channel & blog she's super consistent and provides amazing content.
FOOD/DRINK I only have on favourite in this section this month and it's the Tetley Vanilla Redbush (Rooibos). I first tried this in Falmouth (check out my Falmouth vlogs here) it's a South African tea that my bestie Abby gave me to try and I loved it. I'm not sure about the vanilla but I love the original flavour - so pick that up and let me know if you like it.
BEAUTY Beauty-wise I have been really into my hands creams. Naturally I have really dry skin and these hand creams; the Botanics Nail Strengthening Hand Cream and the Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Concentrated Hand Cream have been amazing. The first one is more like a lotion and I like the botanical scent and the second has a vaseline texture without a film of grease behind. Next I have been loving the Boots Essentials Lipsalve Original which contains SPF 15 and this has been great since during my little trip to Falmouth my lips got burnt and I now know the importance of SPF on my lips. On the subject of lips here's my last beauty favourite, a lip pencil & gloss combo. Because of my complexion, my lips aren't the same colour, so it can look weird on my upper lip (the darker one) when I wear a nude. So I've been lining my lips with this dark brown (LPL09) NYX Cosmetics Long Lip Penciland going over with a nude gloss, preferably this MUA Power Pout Acrylic lip gloss in the shade wondrous - it is very opaque, creamy and long lasting.
RANDOM My random favourite this month is my Citronella Scented Tuscan Pot Candle from the St Eval Candle Company. It can fill the room with its scent without even being lit. Plus there's a lot of candle that comes in the pot which I plan to use after I've burnt the whole thing. And according to the website it will "bring the ambience of a balmy Tuscan evening to your back garden or terrace with these simple yet stunning candles. The fresh lemony fragrance of Citronella is great to keep insects away. All our pots are hand poured at our factory which is beautifully situated on the North coast of Cornwall. Enjoy a clean and fragrant burnt time of up to 60 hours."
Here's a post on what I've been loving in July, I've just posted a July Favourites on my channel, you can check it out here and continue reading to find a more in depth review of things mentioned. I find that a blogpost version/format of monthly favourites is just a bit easier to refer to and come back to as it's more direct, to the point and is hopefully devoid of rambling. But don't forget to check out my video as an overview first.
MUSIC
Left Hand Free - Alt-J | In July I stumbled across The Interceptor on BBC iPlayer and this song was the theme to the show so it's been stuck in my head all month! The guitar riff is so catchy and tantalizing! I LOVE Alt-J and this song already but it made me want to listen to the rest of the album it's off of (This Is All Yours).
Fyfe | This is an artist I discovered at the start of exam season and his stuff is so chilled it was perfect to work to. I kinda forgot about him for a while and rediscovered him last month and can't stop listening to him. The songs I've been loving the most are Holding On, Veins and For You. But really I love all his music and there's not one I don't like!
Nightmare- Miley Cyrus | Now Miley Cyrus isn't an artist I usually listen to and I can't say I'm a big fan of her latest album Bangerz, but ever since Nightmare was leaked I've been hooked! So much so it is currently the most played song on my phone. As for Miley's music I prefer her backyard sessions she posts on YouTube. To check them out click here.
Lianne La Havas | I've just been loving her in general, but I will say her cover of Baltimore by Nina Simone is mesmerising and is easily one of my top 5 favourite songs. Her new album has recently comeout and the singles she's dropped so far have been amazing, especially Unstoppable.
Jidenna | He is a new and upcoming singer-songwriter rapper and wouldn't usually be my cup of tea but my sister introduced me to him and his whole approach is refreshing and captivating. His flow is on point and his lyricism is so good and I think Long Live The Cheif and Classic Man are a great example of this. He also featured on Janelle Monae's single Yoga back in April and I've been completely obsessed to the point I am annoying my loved ones with how many times I play it.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be making a music playlist each month featuring songs I've been loving since music is something I really love and enjoy and would love to share with you. Check it out here.
ENTERTAINMENT & PASS TIMES
Usually I;m not one for TV but rather YouTube so I found myself perched on the sofa for the majority of July! Brotherhood is a guilty pleasure of mine, it's hardly great TV and my sister ridicules me for watching but I just can't help myself. Next is Humans which futuristic and looks at the capability of technology and how it can interfere with our humanity. I find I need to take breaks whilst watching as it kinda creeps me out sometimes. It probably doesn't help that I watch it by myself, but I always go back since it's really well produced with a captivating story line that keeps you guessing. I have also really gotten into Tattoo Fixers, never thought I would but it's amazing seeing the talent exhibited by the artists who cover up the worst and weirdest tattoos, sometimes in the most awkward of places. And Sketch is pretty fit, plus Paisley is the best. It has actually made me consider getting one - I highly doubt it - but it makes me wonder.The last TV related thing to mention is BBC iPlayer I've really been enjoying it this month it's been really good, specifically the two part drama The Outcast I thoroughly enjoyed. I also really got into The Syndicate. I feel like the BBC has been using the TV licence that the nation pays to good use.
A book I've been loving is I'll Take New York by Miranda Dickinson I'm actually getting through it, slowly but surely. I got it from my cousin for my birthday back in January and I'm basically half way through it! For some this may come as a show but I'm a very slow reader (check out blogposts referring to this here and here) and haven't been reading this consistently but as I've had more time on my hands it's been great and has made me me want to get my hands on more books.
A pass time I've been getting back into is walking, I find it to be very theraputic usually first thing in the morning or late at night before I shower and get ready for bed.
YOUTUBE
I had gotten a little bit un-bothered with YouTube and hadn't been watching my subscriptions consecutively but these channels made me get back into it. Firstly The Michalaksare a wonderful family made up of Stef - the exceptional editor of their weekly vlog; Hannah a beauty blogger and great mother to Grayson their adorable son. Stef's skills as a videographer turn their weekly shenanigans into a cinematic masterpiece that is so well put together. So I would definitely check them out, for me, they really make my Sunday afternoon. And check out Stef's app he's made and continues to develop here. Next I've gotten back into watching Everyday Jimwhere we follow the life of Jim Chapman and I actually prefer these to his main channel videos. He has recently gotten a miniature daxon called Martha and I'm not even a dog person but she is so darn cute! Lastly I've been loving Dan and Phil GamesI'm not a gamer and cannot play games at all to save my life, but they make it so entertaining. I never thought I'd enjoy watching two people playing Sims, but they make it so enjoyable, so I recommend you watch just one Sims episode to just see how funny those guys are together.
FOOD/DRINK
There's really nothing much to say concerning my love for coconut milk (specifically the brands alpro and coconut dream). I love it, a lot. And there's nothing more to say. You should try it - unless you are of course allergic to nuts. But then again, perhaps try rice or oat milk. What's more is that I've been loving clementines so much this month, they're so much sweeter than oranges or tangerines and are a great snack size, not mention refreshing too. Another food favourite has been curry, my best friend Naila's mum showed us how to make authentic curry and it's been great I love the flavours and the textures - it's so much better than the bottled ready made stuff you find in the supermarket.
My final drink favourite has been water which might seem odd to you but I've found it so satisfying with the heat wave we've been having. I must say I prefer filtered water though, it actually tastes sweeter.
BEAUTY
My beauty favourites have pretty much remained the same from June, to find out what these are check out my favourites here. Foundation wise I have been loving Daniel Sandler Perfect Canvas liquid foundation in the shades 15 and 16. It has such great coverage and a little goes a long way. I find this foundation to be very long lasting but I do recommend powdering if you have oily skin like me. I went swimming in the sea and hiking and it lasted so well. What's more is that this has SPF15 which adds a great layer of protection - especially if you moisturiser doesn't contain it.
Also I have been loving the Sleek eyebrow stylist in dark it's got a spooli on one end and a waxy crayon on the other. This is slightly angled which makes for a a good application but I feel the last and finish is better when I use powder through them with an angled brush using dark brown pressed powder. So that is a combination I've been loving. My final beauty favourite is the Johnsons Aloe Vera Baby Oil. I like to use it just after showering, so when my skin is still wet, then pat myself dry with a towel. This leaves my skin very smooth and supple. I heard about using this after watching Niomi Smart's video with her mother and grandmother where they talked about beauty secrets and tips they've used between the generations - it was very informative, definitely one to check out.
RANDOM
Making lists has been my new favourite thing to do. I make them in my phone, on paper and in notebooks. I love stationery and getting organised so it's a new hobby of mine. And finally I've been loving making videos. It's a cheesy thing to say but it's been great. I've really been loving making videos, it's something I've really been enjoying and I can't wait for you to see what I've been working and have in store for my channel. Thanks for all the support so far, last week I reached 1,000 views of my channel and although that's not much it's personally a great accomplishment for me and I just want to share my gratitude, so thank you. Thanks ever so much.
Margie • 26 • London |
Individuality is one of the best things we have and if that ever comes into compromise, that's when we lose the very essence of our being.
