I chose the image above as it represents the raw, unfiltered, most natural state of existence - being nude, naked. Going to therapy allows you to become a vulnerable, more authentic and truthful self, reverting you back towards childlike innocence. Without triggering or destructive consequences, provided that you are paired with the right physician.
Let's talk about therapy and counseling. Everyone is always banging on about how great it is and how everyone should invest in it, consequently themselves. And to be perfectly honest, those people are right! Even if you had a perfect childhood, life is incredible and you've suffered zero trauma, everybody has mental health that requires tending to.
2018 SPRING
I won't lie to I didn't really get on with it at first. I found it opened up old wounds so it seriously triggered me and subsequently friends who I leant on, as I didn't know how to deal with it by myself. I didn't find it rehabilitative and just dreaded it in general. My intial experience was with a lovely lady,
provided through my university as my first introductory session, assessing what I needed. I was then matched with someone who frankly could've been replaced by a parrot. During those sessions are one of the few times I've cried in therapy, unfortunately for me my counselor was of no help or comfort whatsoever. I've come to learn that it wasn't very professional on her part to allow me to be vulnerable, unveil triggering memories only to then leave me to pick up all the pieces. I was only given 6 sessions by my university so my mum kindly found me a private therapist to go to following on from that.
It was eye-wateringly expensive and we just couldn't connect. In fact something that really out me off him was that he said I should be lucky or grateful that my life was falling apart at that time. And boy did that make my blood boil. How dare he insinuate that then, was a good time to go through a mental health crisis, and not later in life. RED FLAG ALERT! Nonetheless, the catch is that there's never a good time for unstable mental health. Ever. No matter your age, it sucks. 100% of the time. Having poor mental health now, doesn't somehow insure you against having it again in the future. Case and point, the following year I had a hard factory reset as I call it. So basically a psychotic manic breakdown. This lead to me being hospitalised and subsequently sectioned.
Needless to say, we didn't have many sessions after that, because what he said was a load of tosh! And who even knows, maybe I've always had an innate biological prerequisite for mental health problems, or mine were triggered by environmental or traumatic factors that have occurred in my life? The catch is, we'll never truly know. But he was extremely out of touch, unsympathetic and unprofessional to state what he did.
Additionally there's very little a working-class young black cosmopolitan girl has in common with a middle/upper-class middle aged white man. Not to mention, there's never good to have mental health problems. Ever. Can you imagine saying that to someone who's suicidal?!
2018 AUGUST
Fast forward a couple of months from seeing him in 2018 I made catastrophic attempt on my life and had to be hooked up to live saving medication in hospital over the Notting Hill Carnival long weekend. So whilst I had had several attempts earlier that year whilst at university and went to hospital following an overdose [with a self-centred, inconsiderate and callous "friend"], I was rightly put in touch with a crisis team. Unfortunately I couldn't stick around long enough to actually get any help, as graduation season was looming and ultimately summer was just around the corner and naturally I was hellbent on getting home.
2018 SEPTEMBER
Usually after hospitalisation following an attempt on your life, a person from the mental health team comes and talks to you. I was then placed under the care of the
home treatment team which encouraged me to sign up to free counseling in my borough. Additionally they arranged for me to begin Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [CBT] through the organisation called
Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services [CAHMS]. Luckily for me, these were much better experiences and restored my faith in talking person centred therapy which I had assumed I detested. Don't get me wrong, I still loathed it. But I did it anyway. CBT was useful to an extent because it made me really breakdown, interrogate and asses my thoughts, whilst giving me a few tools to navigate my problems. After an appropriate amount of time I was discharged but continued the free therapy through my borough. Upon reflection I don't think CBT worked that well for me, so after talking to a friend of a friend I have asked to be put on the waiting list for
Dialectical Behavioual Therapy [DBT] as I think it might help me with emotional regulation and give me vital coping mechaniss.
Regarding the free counselling I receive
from my borough, luckily for me, I was paired with a Black woman. And I have to tell you how refreshing is to finally be acknowledged for the first time. The Black experience is such a imperative part of my life, that's intricately woven into it. So to connect with someone who understood me wherever I was coming from on an intermutual level, was completely reassuring, priceless and succouring.
2019 SPRING
After my psychotic manic episode, I was transferred to a different department of my local NHS mental health establishment called the
Early Intervention Service [EIS]. This tenet of my local mental health institution was specifically set up to aid those experiencing or having experienced a psychotic episode for 3 years maximum. From there, I had access to seeing my second ever psychologist.
At first I was apprehensive, but over time a rapport was built and I felt better understood. It was a bit hard to do two talk therapies simultaneously so the counseling was put on pause, especially after I started skipping sessions. Sometimes it's hard to show up for yourself when you're not in the best of head spaces. I do feel very luck to have had access to the two concurrent kinds of therapies at once though.
2020 EARLY WINTER
I've fortunately been able to give art therapy a go even though COVID-19 thwarted our inaugural sessions. My time at those
free NHS sessions weren't exactly what I had expected from art therapy. I was hoping for more of a structured, taught class. As opposed to just having a specific time and place to do whatever you feel like creating, given the supplies available. Despite that, I did find it restorative and therapeutic in some ways. And bonded with a fabulous older woman in my class. It's a shame that it came to over a year of not being able to access it through.
2020 MAY-DECEMBER
My time with the second psychologist's and our time together was hugely disrupted by COVID-19 so naturally we commenced talk therapy over the phone. It did progress to in person appointments again, but I did come to the end of my tenure with that psychologyst by the spring of 2021. And I decided to restart counseling up again.
2021 SPRING
So after finishing with that second psychologist, I resumed sessions with my local borough's counselling service. Again I was matched with my first and foremost choice of my well established counselor.
2021 AUTUMN
Therapy and me went on a hiatus during my attempt at going back to university to study Architectural History at Edinburgh University. However my mental health had other plans and drastically deteriorated. My mental decline was caused by a factor of things. The shock of not having my support systems in place and being physically far away from them. That distance was soul crushing. The gap of time between being set up with a new mental health team. Being housed inappropriately despite my physical health conditions. Not the most considerate of housemates. And working at a more substantial workload, pace and depth than I'd gotten used to. In particular, my poor ability to use exceptionally more executive function than I had gotten accustomed to in recent years. Something else I didn't appreciate about being in Scotland was that their system is that it's like the American one. You have a major then minors. As someone who already found it hard to engage with my genuine curiosities earnestly, studying that alone was difficult enough by itself. Never mind adding several other course I had no desire to pursue, no matter how negligible. And one of which I found completely preposterous, ridiculous and far fetched [but I'll keep that one to myself] only after enrolling and taking classes in it. I declined so rapidly in a space if a mere few weeks that I was pushed to the brink of suicidal ideation. Ultimately, I made the expensive and humiliating decision to withdraw and head back to London with my tail between my legs; ashamed that I didn't last very long on this embarkment that was supposed to elevate me, to a new plane of contentment and success had failed. My second failing in the higher education system was beginning to pile up. So back home I went, fragile and on the brink of ending it all.
I also had to then go through, a major life improving, gynecologic operation and despite the tough recovery [comparative to a C-section but without the newborn] my mental heth improved. Simply because I was at home in my comfort zone, surrounded by familiar faces and places. I'm never one to get homesick but boy did Edinburgh switch that up for me!
Whilst I was getting better I didn't really feel able to go about the possibility of engaging in talk therapy, especially in person. I didn't have it for a while and I concentrated on my physical health putting my mental health aside.
2022 EARLY WINTER
After the severity of COVID-19 calmed down a bit, I started therapy with a new psychologist [my third] and I must say that we really got on well! She was a young woman and I found her extremely personable, kind and magnanimous. She helped me look at achieving goals, exploring my values and increasing my activity output, in order to alleviate clinical depression. Though our time was limited, due to my time period coming to an end with EIS, I still retain the things I've learnt and refer back to her final evaluative letter to me as needed.
I once again resumed some art therapy sessions in a completely different way. This time it was an outdoor activity. Not the greatest of weather conditions to do such activities in, so that wasn't ideal. I continued to not appreciate how loose in structure the classes were. Was it slightly better that before? - Yes! But it wasn't enough for me. It was quite awkward to get to and required a fair amount of walking. Some members of the group irked me and I was never that pleased with whatever I produced. Eventually I stopped going but so did my mental health.
Thankfully after a short waitlist I was able to resume my free counselling with the same counsellor.
Following a period of momentary post-op bliss, my mental health decayed to the state at which I didn't feel safe having access to my medication; for fear of being tempted to overdose.
2022 SPRING
So my mum sought reinforcements in the form of a
private therapist. I found her to be unquestionably loyal, perceptive and compassionate. We even broached Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing [EMDR] therapy to help me process trauma. Even though those particular sessions completey wiped me out, I'm not exactly sure if I really came away being any less traumatised. So I'm thinking of seeking out a trauma focused private therapist next year. I definitely would recommend working with her and she was reasonable with her rates given my circumstances.
2022 SUMMER
Because I introduced another form of talk therapy and reduced my weekly counselling appointments to fortnightly, naturally there became a conflict of interest as my counselor only provides weekly appointments. I was messing up her schedule and possibly someone else's that needed treatment too. Thus, I decided I might as well make the most of the free counselling I receive [I'd been coming to the end of my time with them relatively soon anyway] so I put that private therapist on hold until later down the line perhaps?
The one art therapy class I highly enjoyed was one that took place in a listed stately home in my area that had a decent amount of nature on the grounds. These classes we so much more focused and taught that, despite the morning start, I made an effort to go to every single one. Remaining as engaged as possible, looking forward to sessions and producing work I for once didn't mind the state of. The other participants were nice too. And it was nice to roam the house grounds.
2022 SEPTEMBER
Through the suggestion of my 4th most recent private psychologist, I went looking for a bipolar support group via
Bipolar UK in my local area. I looked up what
ones were available, specifically in London and hopefully a reasonable distance to travel to. I discovered one a couple miles away that occurs once a month. I emailed the group to register interest, then they got in contact with me about where it is, what time and when it happens. At first I went with my Ma in October, then alone from the next month onwards. I have asked for my sister to attend a meeting with me but her schedule is quite jam-packed at the moment, so we'll see. I try to show up because it's a community I feel a part of. I can be as candid as I like, listen to other experiences that resonate with me and learn how to manage my disorder better. Also, it's an opportunity to make connections, be sociable and feel understood yet relatable. I'm actually rather chuffed to admit that I've made a new friend from attending meetings and they've grown to have an important, significant part of my friendship circle. I catch up with them beyond those monthly meets and hang out one-to-one. I won't lie, sometimes I'm reluctant to attend some sessions because it's a journey I'd rather not do and stay at home. It's quite a sobering experience sometimes through the vulnerable truthful things that spill out of participants' mouths. Overall, I know it's best for me to engage with the group as they completely get my disorder but I appreciate that group therapy feels less safe, secure and sure. Nonetheless, you can just listen instead of personally participating. The only thing I will say is that I personally would like meetings to be more frequent. At the very least fortnightly or at the most, weekly.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
I know that amongst the black community there is a particular predilection to keep tight lipped about mental health problems, never mind actually going to therapy but it's been nothing but a life saver for me.
All in all I think therapy is a good thing and over the last year it's something I've grown to depend on and crave. I may not always want to get out of my bed, leave the house and travel but I show up for myself because somebody has to. And it's conclusively an asset for me. It's such a luxury to be able to talk at someone about your problems without burdening loved ones, knowing you have a judgement free zone to express how you're authentically feeling and profoundly fathomed. It allows you be able be so frank and process things in a guilt free form. I feel very lucky to have had, and have so much access free therapy. Highly recommend researching what's available locally in your area or talking to your GP about additional mental health support. Especially if you're a young person. Alongside medication, it's been imperatively remedial for me. So I've made a promise to myself that it will be something I continue with, and pay for out of pocket, if needs be, for the rest of my life. Purely because it's good to continually engage in restorative practices.
I wanted to end on the note that I've made such unfathomable and impressive progress with my local counselor that after listening to
BBC Radio 4's, "
All In the Mind" podcast/show [on her extracurricular suggestion], I've made the decision to nominate her for an
award. In particular the professional award for
a mental health professional whose dedication, help and support made a really significant difference to me.
Because I have experienced mental health difficulties now, in the past and my counselor is a person who's a part of an organisation that has made a huge difference to my life. Claudia Hammond and BBC Radio 4 want to recognise the people and institutions who have had a real impact on mental health. Thus I naturally felt compelled to nominate my counselor, making my appreciation publicly known, in a way that could shine a spotlight on both herself as well as the organisation she works for. If you would like to read what I submitted regarding said counselor, please find it
here.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading, especially if you've made it this far. I'm so grateful for your time spent taking in my words. Thank you.
